As I am writing this as an ex-alcoholic, well maybe that’s not correct because I still relapse once and a while even after several years. Since recently I moved to a cabin in the woods and some nights have been difficult, this Thursday seems to be hitting me hard.
The fresh air and privacy have done me well and waking up without a hangover is a blessing, yet at the same time, a 5-minute walk from here is a vending machine that has been stuck in my mind. I ordered a bunch of groceries as the nearest shops are a bit far and upon picking them up I noticed beers and bottles of wine in a vending machine.
For obvious reasons, this has been stuck in my mind for a while now but when things go well such as work, and in combination with prescribed sleeping medication I managed to pull through. Tonight however feels different, besides the weekends being harder today my work and money become very tight and this is where my feeling of “who gives a shit” is creeping up.
So How Am I Fighting This Urge Right Now?
Well, the first thing that comes to mind right now, the 25 of January is to focus on writing this article right at the moment itself this is probably not the post you might expect from Stop Drinking but at the same time, I feel it’s about time to make this website a bit more personal. While writing this I noticed the urge coming down a little bit because my focus was steering me away from the thought of walking through a dark forest to get to that vending machine, but here is my biggest thought…
What about tomorrow?
It’s a vending machine, not a liquor store which is making me think of the feeling I am going to go through tomorrow since I have and still can be a very heavy drinker one bottle of wine isn’t going to do much. You see being an alcoholic all starts with one glass and ends in a couple of bottles a few hours later.
The Following Thoughts That Are Going Through My Mind.
I get to that vending machine, I decided to just go for it but…
- What if there are just 2 bottles in there? I could finish those within an hour or even less and when I wake up tomorrow I know my body is going to crave alcohol even more and I will want to drink my hangover away.
- Tomorrow, how do I want to come out of my bed and wake up, obviously work is certainly not going to get better even if I love to pretend alcohol makes me work better.
- It’s almost midnight and everything is closed, the sleeping pills should kick in soon, or at least I hope and this urge will pass.
When I start there is no stopping until something really bad happens or my body just had enough and my health is already in its lowest form.
Who Am I Going To Disappoint In The Process?
This is another thought I always get and it’s a big one as I know when I start drinking there comes a point I just start doing random shit from weird texts to phone calls and fighting for no reason at all.
People in my life have had enough, more than enough of my nonsense already.
Martijn van Eijk
The above isn’t a quote I just thought it would look a bit more fancy, styling things up so it might become easier to read for whoever is reading this.
Right now, I am going to round up this article the writing did help but here is what is most likely going to happen next, see if I can catch some sleep and be grateful and proud of myself tomorrow and if that doesn’t work maybe watch a movie or tv show that doesn’t have to much drink in it.
Can certainly think of a few TV Shows that would get me in drinking mode a lot faster such as Shameless, Peaky Blinders, and many more.
That’s it for now, have a good night, and stay strong.
Morning Update: Woke up completely sober which I am very happy with, I wanted to update this topic a little bit and just keep it on the website even if it might not fit in the general content we have on here.
I mentioned the TV Show Shameless above as something not to watch but ended up watching one episode, and I was wrong. The father is a major alcoholic and doesn’t take care of his family it’s all comedy but in reality, it can kinda be exactly like that.
What I also feel this morning is a sense of opportunity, another day where anything can happen instead of being hungover and wanting more alcohol I feel this day won’t go to waste like that.
I truly think it’s key to take things day by day, especially at the moment of this crazy drinking alcohol urge. There is always a tomorrow to decide what you are going to do, and what and who you are going to be. I’m going to be in this cabin for a total of 3 months and it has been 3 weeks so far, and each day I ask myself…
How do I want to get out of this forest?
Sharp and like a lion, with a goal whatever that may be, or a drunk finding the next place to stay and see what destructive path I would leave behind in the process.
Can’t answer this question right now but the choice is rather simple, although it isn’t that simple it’s the kind of simple option that anyone would choose right? But that doesn’t mean it isn’t going to be hard and there will be a next night and a next but for now, I see this as a win and would honestly never have updated this post otherwise or a few weeks later with a whole bunch of horrible stories to tell.
We have another article on cravings which you can find here: Dealing With Alcohol Cravings, this article is a lot more generic while the one you are reading now is coming from my thought process.
You can do this!
A few takeaways from this
- I did not have Alcohol in my place, which added an extra level of having to go out and in my case through a dark forest to a vending machine.
- I’m no medical expert and would never provide advice on this and you should consult your health provider on this one but the sleeping medication did help, I got tired and and more tired over time which made it easier to just call it a night.
- Writing honestly helps a lot, I don’t do it often enough but writing things down also makes your thoughts a lot more real and you start to re-consider that step towards grabbing alcohol.
- Another one I would like to share is that you should never feel the need to test yourself, having alcohol in the house just to show yourself you can see it, have easy access, and remain sober but personally, for me it’s not worth the risk yet. Don’t take it as a weakness but a simple lifehack for yourself
