In a message dated 11/17/2003 12:52:18
My best friend finally asked for help last night and meant it. She's been drinking heavily for over three years. I've got us lined up for an AA and Al-Anon meeting tonight, but in speaking with people and going over web information, I'm worried this won't be a good fit for her. She's not "diseased" or "powerless," more like depressed and, FUNCTIONING while drunk. It's progressed from a weekend thing to an everyday, two and three bottles of wine (she stocks up on Saturdays because our state doesn't sell liquor on Sundays). I know that it's her decision, if the AA process helps or not, but knowing her this doesn't seem like a great approach. I've been looking for alternatives for her, I don't want her to get spooked the first time she reaches out. If you have any information to offer to me, I'd greatly appreciate it. Thank you for your time and your website, -Tina
Hi Tina,
Well I think the first thing you would need to make her aware of is (regardless of what she might hear at an AA meeting) is: Theirs is NOT the only approach.
Many in the 12 step program mistakenly assume, because it is the only thing that worked for them, it must be the only thing that works. This is very unfortunate and can really cost those who go through "the program" only to find it unsuitable. (The repetitive nature and insistence on accepting the universal "rules" of the AA approach often leave people falsely believing that, by rejecting it, they must then accept a life of "struggling" and suffering at the hands of alcohol.) Fortunately, time and experience have proven this to be untrue.
Obviously, there are many different ways to approach improving our lives and even then, any approach we choose can be improved upon further. Let her know that there is nothing wrong with compiling her own approach...taking what she can that works for her from whatever information is available. Make sure she understands that making improvements is a process (regardless of what you are improving) and in understanding that, the "process" becomes a little easier.
"Becoming more" (which is really what quitting drinking boils down to) isn't rocket science. It does however require brutal honesty with yourself and a willingness to challenge the nonsense beliefs that drive your desire to drink.
Like anything else, drinking is a way to spend our time. Each person will receive different "rewards" for making that choice. If the "rewards" have begun to show a clear progression towards "penalty" then there is nothing more to learn. Nothing you can do will change the fact that you are better suited (and will profit more) from spending your time in another way. You can ignore that truth, but then you must accept the consequences of doing so. …the bright side is, if you commit yourself to doing what it takes to “move on,” the rewards (creatively, financially, physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc.) are extraordinary.
It goes without saying, once a person begins to experience the benefits of being "stronger," of being more able to achieve rewarding things in life, the thought of weakening those new found strengths becomes increasingly laughable.
People need to know that they CAN destroy their desire to do things that are inherently harmful to them…and if they doubt that, they can look at me (and many others.) ...we're living proof.
Hope this helps,
Joe Plummer
